Belonging

Having a real hard time. I'm hitting struggles, starting to truly realize how much real life seems to suck and knowing it shouldn't be this way. We weren't meant to live with hurt or pain, in conflict or selfishness. We were meant to communicate effectively and know how to respond instantly in love and grace. But so much of this is not the fallen, broken world we live in. There's conflicts and misunderstandings. We were raised differently, showing how words mean different things depending on your background. My promises mean nothing, because in your life, they were always broken. Your apologies mean nothing, until the actions follow behind.

I'm tired of always being the odd person out, of always being different. It's so hard to find a place where I feel like I belong, where I can flourish and have the support of those around me, backing me whenever adversity comes my way. It seems I've yet to find the work environment like this, or the school environment like this. As much as I try to bare my heart. To not be the one causing conflict. To be sympathetic and listening... it gets taken the wrong way. My questions are seen as assumptions. My misunderstandings are arguments. My confidence is intimidating. Instantly, without a reason I know, what I say is taken in the most mean, disrespectful way. I try to find the pattern, try to change the words I say, the phrases I use. But what works in one setting isn't consistent to another. What one person appreciates another despises.

Ignorance and mediocrity seem so bliss. I wish I could quit now, and be content working a job outside of my capabilities, without a passion or purpose. I wish I didn't understand the inflection in the tone or the judgement on a face, so I can continue lying myself into belief that I am liked by those who don't care. I wish I didn't learn so fast, work so quick, so my success wasn't a reminder of your faults. So my good work wasn't seen as showing off, but respect of a job well done.

I keep hoping someday will be better. The next level of schooling, the next place of work... There, maybe, I'll find the spot made for me. Yet repeatedly, I run into the same wall of misunderstanding because of my confidence. Of arrogance due to my intelligence. Of intimidation because I will stand for my beliefs. Just when I thought I learned my lesson, the same lesson needs learned again, albeit in a different context. I know it's me - I don't pretend to consistently believe it is everyone else's problem. I'm the common factor between my schools and places of work.. I know I'm the problem. But I don't know how to solve it. I don't know what to fix about me. I don't know where to go, what to learn, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I just want to know why I don't belong.